hierophany | INBOX (noctium)

That you sometimes become subjected to them yourself? Yes.

My impulse now is to interrogate you about this. That would be a goal-oriented thing to do and it would make me feel confident and competent instead of vulnerable.

I'm going to ignore that impulse. As best that I can.

I don't think I've done anything to deserve a sentiment like that, however. So I'm. Uncertain.

You would feel safe if you were interrogating me, insofar as you would feel anything. But doing so would render any answers I gave you relevant to you only as information you were seeing, and leave them disconnected from you as a person.

I could elaborate without your prompting me, if that would work as a compromise.

I feel safe around you in general. Regardless of context.

I suppose my previous hypothetical and question were the equivalent of mailing you a remote control, figuratively speaking. Now I'll take your advice and see what you do with it.

I think. I think that right now, perhaps it's best that I return it.

It isn't that I don't care for the idea of it. Not at all. You are very beautiful. You are a master of your art. You have been kind to me when I needed it most, and you know more than I do about more than I'd like to admit. I could watch you picking every last bit of objective truth out of the world around you and never be bored for a second. I could watch you (in general) and not be bored. It's charming, how Sakura-chan does her best even though she's nervous and forgets to let the molds dry.

It isn't Jotaro, either. We really did talk about it.

But I think right now, 'a thing that makes you safe' is everything I want to be.

And I don't think I'd enjoy our conversations any less, but I think they'd lose something if it was an option to say that actually, this is stupid and I'd rather kiss you.

We'd end up never getting to talk about stupid things.

i have to type something and it's going to take me some time don't read anything negative into it

[JUST GONNA. MITIGATE SOME OF THE APPREHENSION OF WATCHING "..." GO ON FOR TWENTY MINUTES, FROM THE OUTSET.]

I've never considered the possibility that my talent could be...aesthetic. It was always the opposite. Something not to be seen. Any focus on appearance or form would only detract from the output, the technical value.

There's someone here that I loathe. I've never met them but I loathe the idea of them because they do what I do, but with a focus on appearances. They draw attention to themselves. Every part of me rejects the idea of my work being a show or a spectacle.

But there's also a person here whose talent is photography. He takes pictures of me and the thought of leaving behind evidence of my existence unsettles me. But what overpowers even that feeling is the look on his face when he raises his camera and focuses on me. He looks at me like I'm something to be looked at and I've never been that before.

He could've been a fluke. Except without knowing any of that, you said the same thing.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life protecting you and I don't want you to spend the rest of yours protecting me. I don't want to do stupid things to get your attention or act like Sakura-chan except when it's convenient to be Sakura-chan or to stop being what I am for the sake of trying to be some conception of what I think I should have been.

I want you to watch me and tell me what it makes you think. That leaves us both vulnerable. I don't get to hide. And you don't get to dodge.

That should work out anyway, shouldn't it? I have to believe that most of what you'll tell me will be very stupid. We'll do a lot of talking about stupid things.

I don't just want you to make me feel safe. I want you to keep making me feel uncomfortable but safe, in a way that makes you uncomfortable but safe.

I understand that this is what you are trying to avoid, but there genuinely is nothing I would rather be doing right now than watching as a screen tells me that you are typing.

That was mostly intended to be read as sincere.

[ And he waits. And then the message arrives. ]

The aesthetics of things are funny like that, aren't they? It's tempting to think of them as things that only exist if you commit effort to them. It feels like they ought to be. Like everyone should be given points and made to choose how to distribute them. But really, that's only if you want to exert control over them.

I think.

I think that you should observe your photographer friend. Not while they're looking at you. But while they work. Observe while they choose what lens would be best for what subject, or how they arrange a shot or whether they get up before dawn to catch the perfect light or. Or maybe just ask them what they're doing, to be honest, because if they really have a talent for it they probably know more about their art than I do. But I think the sensation of watching someone who's mastered a craft work would communicate better than I can, what it's like to watch you. It's not that you're something that's there to be looked at. It's that there is a task to be performed, and you are performing it so perfectly that the only input anyone could possibly have is to look.

And I think I want that, too. To be always a little out of my depth, knowing that the worst that could come of it is a scathing reply or a deeply personal question.

That's...a surprisingly apt summation. That I put all my points in a singular skill and have nothing left for any others.

[area teens figure out their hangups via text adventure games and D&D character building]

I have another invasive question with a purpose beyond just embarrassing you. It will still probably embarrass you but that's not the focus of why I'm asking. Just an additional perk.

Which conception of me do you find more sexually appealing? One in the midst of pursuing the truth, or one subjected to a vibrating apparatus that someone else has control over?

You have to choose one as superior; ties are not permitted.

If I have to simplify my answer down to one of the two, the former. The latter only really has any appeal because of the existence of the former.

I will now proceed to mask my embarrassment with a flippant comment about how thoughtless it was of you to remove the hypothetical possibility of an active remote locked behind a puzzle lock by banning a tie, leaving you to decide whether that actually was a flippant comment or a thing that I have spent at least the moments since you asked your question considering.

It was a question I needed a simplified answer to. I realize the inherent unfairness of that, but the information you unconsciously provided was valuable.

I'm not going to ask whether I succeed in opening the lock, in your hypothetical. I can already surmise that it wouldn't be appealing to you in the first place if I failed.

But I'm curious how long it takes me. In your envisioning.

Hmm. You do succeed, at a little under ten minutes. You do give some thought to simply destroying the lock or pulling the pins from the hinges of whatever it's holding shut to make a point, but choose to solve the lock for the same reason that you choose not to simply remove the vibrating apparatus.

You would have figured out all the correct steps at about six minutes, but the distraction would slow you down as you executed the solution.

I would find myself in a precarious position, in that sort of circumstance. The necessity of balancing a success quickly enough to satisfy you with my competence with drawing it out long enough to take optimal advantage of your enthralled presence.

It seems that my apprehensions about being seen generally are easily mitigated so long as I'm excelling in my art at the time of observation.

I admit, I had not put a great deal of thought into my enthralled presence. But I suppose I would be there. I'm not sure how many people would go around putting vibrator remotes behind puzzle locks, but I would assume the average person doesn't know two people who would share that immediate instinct upon being given a remote.

I was intending to comment upon how it would be relevantly simple to attach the electronics of a remote to connect it to a timer switch, to cycle through settings at set intervals. But if I am present, I could simply manipulate the remote with Hierophant.

I imagine it helps if you know that you are being observed because the experience of watching you perform your art is appealing in itself. You had not considered that until recently, so no doubt you would start considering other reasons why someone might want to observe you. Even if you had no reason to suspect someone of trying to subvert your work, it would be an open question.

I am putting a great deal of thought into your enthralled presence.

...Is that why you think I dislike being observed? Because it forces me to question the motives of the person watching me?

Ah. Is there anything important that I ought to know about my enthralled presence?

Yes. Perhaps not the only reason, but yes.

It's not as if I think that you would just assume the worst of any observer. But the existence of that unanswered question seems like it would be an unwelcome drain on your concentration.

We're positioned in such a way that you can see up my skirt, if you care to look.

It's that I feel ashamed when I'm noticed, typically. It would be a stain upon my family name to do what I do for the purposes of recognition or attention. But as with most subversive things, the allure of the forbidden does present a certain scintillating element...provided it's taken in an appropriate context.

Ah. I was thinking in terms of ways in which being observed might compromise your ability to do your work directly, but that isn't what you meant.

It is symbolic, yes? The act of choosing to be observed is the first step upon a path that ends in compromised judgement.

Very few things compromise my ability to do my work directly.

And I suppose it is. I did deliberately choose to be observed once before I came here. It's how I received my invitation to attend the academy I was enrolled in immediately prior to my arrival in the Burnished Crater.

You see, that kind of offhand statement is exactly why someone might be intrigued to observe you.

I'll be honest, I'm not sure if that's meant to be a good thing or a bad thing. It sounds like a positive result, but it's difficult for me to separate my understanding of your circumstances prior to your arrival from my reading.

I once steered a car into a tree because the brakes failed and the driver was in a panic about how to make the car stop. Suffice to say, it stopped.

You should ask me questions about the school environment. At your discretion. If you're curious about it.

Consider my presence appropriately enthralled.

Hmm. Incredibly selective, I imagine. Clearly attending it was important enough to you to allow yourself to be observed, but I doubt that doing so would have been the approach that you chose were something like academic achievement or an entrance examination sufficient.

And it must have been integral to some goal of yours, because I think that in order to allow yourself to be observed you would have needed to be in a state where you were not able to feel.

What were the uniforms like?

It was very frustrating. The screaming, that is.

...

I don't remember us wearing uniforms. I...

No, I think we must not have had that type of dress code.

Oh. I would have expected a school that's so selective about its students to have one.

Would you have wanted to be a member of any particular clubs?

My year consisted of a roster of sixteen, all students recognized as world-class in their field of choice. Those arts ranged from traditional things like swimming and wrestling to the more unorthodox, like gambling or being heir to a business conglomerate.

Or lucky.

That was the "talent" of the boy I'll spend the rest of my life protecting. He won a lottery to be admitted and was given the distinction of possessing world-class luck.

...Oh! Athletics. That's right. I like basketball, so I suppose I would've...done that.

I would balk at the idea of luck being a talent, but instead I am balking at it apparently being a talent that is entirely separate from being an heir.

But I see. Perhaps that would explain it. If the purpose of a uniform is to encourage students to think of themselves as an extension of their school and encourage collaboration, one probably would not fit the goals of an institution dedicated to the pursuit of excellence in very specific, unique fields.

I recall I've asked you before if you've met Rohan Kishibe. A significant portion of my relationship with him is rooted in the fact that his personality is almost identical to that of the Ultimate Heir. It's not a compliment.

You're right, though. Conformity would be slightly counterproductive when in fact we were all assembled because of our tendency to stand out.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject