Noriaki "eldritch horror fetishist" Kakyoin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hierophany) wrote2020-06-18 08:15 pm
hierophany) wrote2020-06-18 08:15 pm
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Noriaki Kakyoin ⬤ jjba
residential district ⬤ water tower
moonblessing ⬤ iris
residential district ⬤ water tower
moonblessing ⬤ iris
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I don't know. I didn't think you'd judge. I thought you'd worry, maybe. Think that I couldn't look after myself.
But you're not just 'someone'. Needing you is acceptable.
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that it doesn't feel like that
it's more like being two halves of a whole
neither one of you is "right" unless you're together
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Hey.
Can you make a list some time?
You don't have to do it right now. You have shopping to do. But I want.
To make you happy, I suppose.
But also to be better. At this.
I'm bad at guessing the right things to do.
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but i have a condition
something you have to promise me
it has to be okay with you if your list and my list aren't perfect
you can't take it personally
or blame yourself
or think it's wrong or bad if you don't like things that i do
or the other way around
it doesn't have to be perfect
it's okay if we don't like all the same things
and i'll get pissed at you if you make yourself do things you hate just because you think i want them
ok?
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I promise, I won’t do anything I don’t want to.
Or anything that I want to do for a reason that would piss you off.
Only things that I want to do. Or things I don’t know if I want to do, to learn.
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"this doesn't do anything for me but let's do it because you like it" is ok
that's different than "i don't like this but you do so it's fine"
not knowing is ok
trying is ok
trying and realizing it's not good and needing to stop is ok
...
you know
it's kind of weird that i know more about sex than you
i'm so used to you knowing everything
pretty weird that it's reversed for once
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I don't know about sex with you.
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you read the instruction manual
that's not the same thing as actually doing it
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it's just funny to make you yell
you're really cute when you get all pissed off
anyway here's one thing on my list
to make it up to you
i like...
hm
this is hard to explain i guess
but i like to fight and lose
i like
it's like being scared, sort of
except also really turned on
adrenaline
desperate
i like fighting and struggling and it doesn't matter because i'm out of control anyway
i like feeling good even though I didn't... accept it
i think?
something like that
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It looks stupid to type out 'hmm' but this is just me trying to fill space.
So it doesn't look like I stopped talking to you.
Because in the absence of visual cues my pausing to think could come off as judgemental.
I think I understand what you mean. And I don't mind trying.
But I think it might be.
It has to be okay if things go wrong and we stop.
Like it doesn't mean we can't try again. There are a lot of details to get wrong.
And I'd need to figure out how I win against you at close range without immobilising you.
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early on i wondered if it meant i was really fucked up
like somehow january 16th got all tied up in...that
but i think
i think it's because deep down i know it's not real
that it'll stop
that i can make it stop anytime i want
it's just all the...feeling
the danger
but none of the threat or the consequences
like you were saying before
the only time it's really safe for me to lose
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That, specifically, is not fucked up.
I think I understand. And I'll try. And if it doesn't work, it's not because it's a problem.
...Star will let me try, right?
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i don't think star can hurt you
i mean not without me deliberately making him
like when i made him stop my heart
i had to force it because he wouldn't have done it otherwise
i think it's like that with you
i'd have to force him
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And that's a relief. I trust you, and I trust him. But I trust him to keep you safe. If I fucked up and he thought something was wrong, he's faster than either of us and.
It's a non-issue, if he won't hurt me. I'm not scared of him, I promise. It's just. Important to me. To be prepared for these things.
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wait
i mean
he would stop time instead of attacking you
i mean "before" like
he would resort to that before he resorted to the other thing
not he'd do one thing then the other
he would just stop time and get me out of it
i don't mean theoretically
i tried something similar with adrian before
and that was the plan
star was the escape route
but we never had to use him because i was ok
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I was just being careful. I don't want.
It'd fuck with you, if I got hurt.
I'm just making sure it doesn't happen.
Sorry if I made it weird. I'm still getting used to.
It mattering, I suppose. If something goes wrong.
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i think
you're supposed to do this kind of thing
before fucking around i mean
you're supposed to talk about it
they don't tell you that in books
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But that's. The only thing I was really worried about, I think.
At least. The only thing I was worried about that can be addressed in advance.
Everything else is just. I trust you to tell me if I'm fucking up, you trust me to do the same.
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i really want you to wake me up in the morning
from doing stuff to me
that's on my list too
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I would say more, but.
It's best if we don't plan this one, right? Maybe you'll wake up first, if you're expecting it. That'd ruin everything.
Maybe I should just wake you up when I feel like it.
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i think
how about this
i'll tell you before i go to sleep if i DON'T want it some night
if i don't tell you then it's fair game
and whether you do or don't is up to you
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I wonder how long it's going to take for you to stop wondering, every night you don't tell me.
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if you want
if whatever you're doing is going to get
complicated
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